Brazil

New York – The U.N. has authorised the immediate deployment of surnames to Brazil. This comes a day after the official results of a trial on the Brazilian national football squad became available.

The results have indicated that the everyday running of the administrative aspect of the national squad has become more efficient by a factor of ten. Also, since the implementation of the trial, the team has recorded no losses to opposing sides. According to an insider, players with identical first names can now be allocated to their rightful position simply by the addition of a surname.

The idea originated in 2005 thanks to a Brazilian ex-pat businessman, Joerge Goncalves. According to him, it became almost impossible to do business within Brazil, mainly because of the confusion the lack of surnames created.

The original idea wasn’t cheap, and a world-wide appeal for surname donations began in early 2006.

“The response was incredible” Mr. Goncalves said. “We have received donations of over 200,000 surnames from all over the world – England, The Netherlands, Poland…as far as Vietnam. But we need more”

Speaking from the training camp in Sao Paolo, Brazilian midfielder Edilson Kowalski, expressed the sentiments held by the rest of the team.

“It became crazy – at one point we had two Ronaldos, two Ronaldinhos, one Ronaldito and four Ronaldininhos. No one knew where to play, what position. It started costing us games.” Edilson stated. “There was also me, Edilson, and another Edilson. I have always played in the back, but after I became Edilson Kowaski, and he became Edilson Nguyen, it became clear that we have been playing in the wrong position all these years. And the coaches had no idea!” He added.

The initial concept was greeted with a skepticism in Brazil, but the legendary Pele used his god-like status to lead by example, becoming a symbol for the cause. He was one of the first Brazilians to adopt a surname.

“It is an honour to help my fellow countrymen” Pele Van Der Huyjigen said.

Brazil’s Minister of Finance, Paulo Roberto Cheng, conceded that the whole operation will put a strain on Brazil’s economy. Brazil’s only exports are buttocks and t-shirts with the Brazilian flag. The biggest market for these are, incidentally, English-speaking countries, so that presumably, pasty white douchebags can wear these and convince others that they have an exotic strain in their personality.

“I guess we will have to export more asses” Mr. Cheng stressed. “No other country makes such full bodied, curvy buttocks like we do. We will have to double our ass and t-shirt exports, to ensure the benefit of surnames is here to stay.”

Bladerunner

The following is a transcript from a meeting at Gillette:

“Thank you everyone for putting in a great effort in 2008, especially Larry and his team from Marketing. And speaking of marketing – Larry will now present his team’s vision for next year. Larry, take it away.”

“Thanks Bob. First of all, a huge hand to the rest of my team for coming up with the revolutionary four blade system last year – what a great success, and what a leap from the three-blade unit it replaced (high-fives in the background). But, time doesn’t stand still, and neither does the Marketing team, so here it is: after many sleepless nights working away at the concept, months of research and field testing, we bring you…”

Slight pause, Larry’s team sitting behind him is nervously watching the executives first reaction as Larry himself pulls the string which spreads the small curtain…

“…we bring you – The Mach 5. Yes, a fifth blade….’

You get my cynical drift.

Wilkinson Sword kinda backed off years ago, Bic were never that serious about it, so why does Gillette insist on just adding an extra fucking blade every year? Which marketing geniuses, and which research think tanks come up with the same solution year after year, for no apparent reason?

There’s no ‘blade wars’, so why keep pushing the ante? Was Mach 3 really that much worse than the 4-blade model? Is there really a need for more than two blades?

Think about it. By the time the third blade swathes it’s path of destruction against your skin, there’s not much left. I’m sure 1 and 2 took care of that. 3 might pick up the odd hair that was missed, so as of 2008, 4 would’ve picked those ones up. 5? That poor sucker will never know what a hair looks like. Maybe, it’ll see one wedged between 1 and 2, but touch one? – I don’t think so. Cut one? – you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Blades 4 and 5 are like the guys in the group that never pick up chicks. 3 is there cos it’s got the car, but it’s 1 and 2 that get all the action. 4 and 5 are the ones who live with resentment all their lives, and end up being IT professionals.

This observation also answered a question which has been bugging me for a while. When new blades are added, are they added on top of existing ones, or to the bottom? Well, the answer is on top. You can’t just jump the queue and start getting all the action – the system would just collapse.

Gillette – get with the fucking system. There is no need for more that three blades on a fucking razor. There is no need for fancy, exotic lubricating strips made from the semen of unicorns. And, most men don’t shave like those guys on your ads – some do, but most don’t.

And this last point proves to me that you don’t give a fuck about reality – you’re just shoving fresh horse shit down the throat of poor suckers willing to pay big dollars for a piece of plastic with five sharp bits of metal attached to it.

tokyo west

I so fucking miss that place, even the things I hated.

a street feast

Today, at around 1400, scaffolding on a building in the middle of the city buckled, and threatened to collapse about ten stories worth of metal onto the street. The whole area was closed off, but as usual I managed to sneak in.

There was a small sandwich shop on the street, and I crossed the tape and headed for it. Inside it were Spiro, the owner, and several staff. He was cool, and let me stay. I stood in the doorway, waiting for the scaffold to give way. The rest of the media were a good distance away, so I’d get the good shots. Never happened though, and the rest of the vultures slowly crept in to where I was.

Later, some agitated senior cop told all the media to get back, then walked into the shop and ordered everyone bar the staff to leave. He came towards me with a pointed finger and asked whether I worked here, and in a slightly woggy accent I replied “I work here part time, Spiro’s my uncle!”. Spiro cracked up in the background, and the cop left.

But, it was obvious that the scaffold would hold, so I left the shop and headed towards the crowd. And then, I found myself in street heaven. Unusual mixture of people – cops, office workers, tourists, construction workers – most oblivious to me. I stood there for an hour before my memory ran out

.

shine on your crazy diamond

gran turisto

in space, no one can hear you scream

1.2

‘56

Tokyo Squares

Ueno, Tokyo, 2008

Akihabara, Tokyo, 2008

Yanaka, Tokyo, 2008

Tokyo, 2008

Yanaka, Tokyo, 2008

Ryogoku, Tokyo, 2008

Tokyo, 2008